I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We need to get me chipped asap
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
