The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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