I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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