I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
