I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
