where am i from again
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
