i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
