Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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