Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
