Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
