i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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