and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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