I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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