if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
