Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i dont even know how to be here
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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