When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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