this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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