fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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