You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i think my tv is drunk
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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