I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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