1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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