It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
