My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
