Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Blood and glitter go together right?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
