dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
