My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
