6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
