Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
