he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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