I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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