My liver just broke up with me...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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