Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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