well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
