Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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