dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize