On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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