when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
