I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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