I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
