I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
