Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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