your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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