i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
