we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
