All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
