So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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