Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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