member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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