Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
