Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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