well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
