I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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