You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
