Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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