Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
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