I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
