I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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