I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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