Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
bring money and cleavage
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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