the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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